Sky News tells you that Leonardo DiCaprio has roped in some famous friends to produce a video urging young Americans not to vote. “The rationale is that a little bit of reverse psychology could help drive teenagers to register themselves ahead of the polls opening,” the channel tells us.
So, along the same lines, here are some invaluable tips to British teenagers out there:
Do not study and take every opportunity you can to bunk off school. School is an invention of a fascist state designed to make you think like conformist lemmings. Listen to the Pink Floyd song “We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control”. Learn these lyrics off by heart and scream them at truancy officers when they visit your home. Take no notice of your parents when they tell you to attend to your studies. They have long since been brainwashed.
Spend your day in amusement arcades or joyriding. Befriend middle aged men in dirty raincoats and gamble all your money away. Drink yourself into an alcoholic stupor every night. Take special care to mix your drinks. Beer and wine is a great combination because it gets you drunk faster. When hungover drink at least five cans of Red Bull. Always engage in unprotected sex, don’t feel you have to pass a driving licence before you take the helm of a car (another establishment ploy to get you to conform). Do as many drugs as possible. They open up your mind to limitless possibilities. Take the right drug and you’ll even find yourself flying through the air and so avoiding people and traffic.
Smoke as much as you can, preferably more than two packets a day until your body is wracked by chronic coughing fits and your complexion resembles a sallow ashtray. The opposite sex finds this sexy. Never eat fruit and vegetables. McDonalds contains all the nourishment you’ll ever need. Never read mainstream newspapers; with the possible exception of the Sun they are establishment mouthpieces. Never pay any attention to the advice of teachers, family members or the clergy. When at home spend all your available free time watching Big Brother. Emulate the behaviour of Jade Goody; she should be your role model. She has tackled the establishment and won. Replay those classic episodes of Big Brother featuring Jade and that troublesome Shilpa Shetty for indispensable advice on dealing with flatmates, especially those from racial minorities.
Never watch news programmes. They are just telling you what they want you to hear. Watch the soap opera Eastenders and practise this way of talkin’. If you are well spoken you must immediately drop this outdated speech. Express yourself through as may swear words as possible. When on public transport never offer your seat to an elderly or crippled person. That’s their problem; don’t let them exploit it for their own benefit. Play very loud music when on public transport or at home. If anybody admonishes you, tell them to mind their own business. After all, you don’t tell them what music they can play, do you? If you’re in an argument with an older person always settle it with violence. That way you can be sure of making your point in a forceful and unforgettable way.
Never pay any attention to Britain’s current crop of politicians. With the possible exception of George Galloway they’re instruments of a fascist state. Never read history books: it’s all lies. Pin photos of Hitler and Eugene Terreblanche to your – hooded – track suit top. (I cannot stress enough the importance of the hood). Minorities groups will approve of this. If you want to read an informed observer of the US Elections, tune in to the website of the esteemed America political commentator Dr David Duke. That man really knows what he’s talking about. Reading material? Never read books! They’re so boring, with the possible exception of Hard Bastards by Kate Kray and Lenny MacLean’s the Guv'nor. These books offer you the best guidelines for how you should live your life.
And, one last thing, whatever you do, never ever read The Sofia Echo again.
