Monday December 18: Receive delegation from shop stewards of Bulgarian contingent of elves. They have been boning up on labour rights conferred by European Union membership. Invoking chapter and verse about permitted working hours, absence of employer’s right to impose compulsory overtime, etc. Point out, quite reasonably, that North Pole is not within EU territory. Also point out that Bulgarian elf habit of frequent smoke breaks likely to exceed provisions permitted by same rules on working hours. Note that hole in ozone layer immediately above pole probably caused by same excessive smoking habits. Meeting collapses over question of workplace health and safety compensation for hazardous practices such as splinters from manufacture of wooden toys, mental stress caused by selection of Barbie DVDs, etc.
Tuesday December 19: Receive one-person delegation in the form of the Missus again droning on with questions about precise nature of relationship with Snezhanka, or Snow White as I still prefer to think of her. Explain that when visiting Bulgaria, it is customary for me to be accompanied by SW, and for economies of scale there are shared travel and accommodation arrangements. Point out that rising global population has severe impact on gift-giving budget and efficiencies must be achieved where possible. Explain that co-ordination necessitates frequent phone calls, even after hours. Missus not mollified. Goes away, and I remove Victoria’s Secret catalogue from drawer once more. Who would have thought that Snowy’s waistline is not result of corset?
Wednesday December 20: Peruse e-mail inbox. Waste vast amounts of time deleting spam with seasonal gift offers, bizarre stock market tips and requests for bank account details to receive huge sums of money from deceased estates of fictitious relatives.
Annoyed by several offering to send personalised letters from Santa Claus to my children. Resume correspondence with lawyers on question of Bulgaria’s Dyado Mraz, scurrilous impostor that he is. Look forward to effective intellectual copyright protection against this red-suited buffoon. Suggest to lawyers that question be raised of Dyado Mraz’ communist-era dossier. Receive e-mail from someone called Meglena Kouneva raising question of whether toys comply with EU consumer protection standards. Ignore e-mail, file it in new folder, have decided to refer to her as Consumer Clause. Ho ho ho.
Thursday December 21: Excessive e-mail in inbox causes collapse due to exceeding quota. Call on Bulgarian elf IT boffin who fixes problem. Makes strange reference to other workplace elves who believe that file-sharing has something to do with woodwork. Letter in inbox from someone called Volen who wants shiny new black leather jackboots for Christmas. Ignore request, subscribe him to Liberal International and Roma Rights Centre mailing lists. Ho ho ho. Trudge through crank e-mails: Gordon wants keys to 10 Downing Street, Jacques wants everyone to wake up on December 25 only able to speak French, Angela complaining about continuing problem in getting date for high school reunion and not wanting repeat of embarrassment at prom. Sinister one from Vladimir demanding oil and natural gas monopoly. “I know where you live,” he writes. Well, doesn’t everyone? Order elves to send Vladimir matryoshka doll of succession of members of Bush family. Ho ho ho.
Friday December 22: Receive delegation of British elves paranoid about incursion by Bulgarian and Romanian elves. Tell them to not believe everything they read in the tabloids. They complain about Polish elves’ insistence on dispatching faulty sanitaryware as gifts, as means of job creation. Send them away, with mental note to ensure that, as of December 25, all British tabloid reporters will wake up only able to speak Romany. Their editors will awake only able to speak Turkish. Ho ho ho.
Saturday December 23: Receive delegation of reindeer troubled by rules on access to EU airspace, also by competition from low-cost, no-frills reindeer. Complain further about US regulations requiring biometric data of reindeer eyeballs, and x-rays of all gifts, plus regulations on transportation of potentially hazardous substances. Order elves to remove all perfumes and bath salts from all gifts this year. Advise reindeer they should have gone for visa interviews months ago.
Sunday December 24: Receive delegation from winter resort operators pleading for snow. Choral rendition of We’re Dreaming of a White Christmas reminiscent of my last trip to karaoke bar. Still tremble when I think of Snowy’s rendition of I Will Survive. Bulletin from weather centre advises that owing to continuing fog problems, not possible to land anywhere in Bulgaria this year. Elderly Bulgarian elf suggests asking local help, in form of Dyado Mraz. Ho ho bloody ho indeed.
