One thing’s for sure, 10,000 BC is a great name for a movie. It’s crisp, clean and catchy enough and is sure to draw enough of that crowd that does not care too much for remembering film titles. No doubt it is calculated to hit the same linguistically challenged multitude that embraced a movie like 300 so enthusiastically. The numerical advertising message and a trailer promising exotic adventures have enough summoning power, but half an hour into the movie it dawns on you that the title might just be the best thing about 10,000 BC. Movies like 300 or Apocalypto had genuine impact and made a strong impression regardless of whether you liked them or not, their no-holds-barred approach made sure of that. This one, by contrast, bizarrely decides to go after that all important PG-13 rating and comes up with a disappointingly sanitised action fare which could either make you fall asleep or prompt you to shuffle to the popcorn concession in desperate search of excitement that the movie cannot provide.

Director Roland Emmerich makes movies for the crowds, not critics, and he can do it very well, notably Independence Day or The Day After Tomorrow. He is also capable of woeful misfires, notably Godzilla. The latter’s sheer cheerful awfulness held some entertainment value in itself, but 10,000 BC doesn’t have even that, it is oh so dull and mild with a premise and a setting that need to be bold and wild. Said premise is as old as the world, which is somewhat appropriate in this case: it is about an outcast who needs to pass through a series of ordeals in order to prove himself as a leader of his people. The man in question is one D’Leh (Steven Strait) and he is having a hard time because of his cowardly father. He is part of a nature-loving tribe living somewhere in Africa; its people kill the odd woolly mammoth only because they need to eat too. Their eco-friendly existence is disrupted by “four-legged demons” that frequent their lands to capture and pillage. They capture and take away D’Leh’s beloved Evolet (Camilla Belle) and our protagonist embarks on a journey to save her, save his people and prove himself a true leader. D’Leh’s improbably long and tedious trek has him encounter a sabre-toothed tiger and some carnivorous ostriches before confronting the evil interlopers who happen to be some horseback-riding people from up north who need slave workers for their pyramid-building projects.

Believe me, this sounds more interesting than it actually is. There is nothing in the way of suspense, anticipation or drama. It seems that Emmerich is far too bored to do anything apart from gluing scenes together much like a visualisation piece in a museum. The acting is uniformly colourless; it’s very difficult to care about any character on screen, friend or foe, while the designated epic battle scenes are a numbing bloodless affair with special effects of questionable quality. Add up all of this and 10,000 BC comes across as an experiment of how pedestrian a big event picture can be and still be successfully marketed on the strength of its title. If this experiment is in any way indicative of the future then this is probably the moral one can take home: “Beware of historical epics with catchy titles.”