I see snapshots of time passing by everyday... For example, his little shoes strewn near the shoe cupboard next to those of his father’s. How did his shoes get so big? Wasn’t it only yesterday that I placed those first baby socks upon his newborn feet? And the way his drawings depict elaborate tales of dragons and power rangers fighting, how did he get so creative and so imaginative? And how he hugs his little brother when he’s just tripped and stumbled to the ground, how does he know to do that without me prompting him? I see my five-year-old son growing in front of me, the different shades of his character are simply dazzling! I find myself thinking, “Oh, he scoffs his food just like his Dad!” and “The way that he laughs is so mischievous, it’s simply delicious!” All of this just fills me with wonder and a longing to share who he is and who he is becoming with my loved ones.
But, of course, the problem is our loved ones are not necessary physically close, as his grandparents live more than a thousand miles away in Poland and his aunties and uncles are all over the globe, in France, London, the US, Ireland and even South Africa. So how can one share such moments with those loved, but more to the point, how can one share the little people that our children are becoming with family members who live a plane journey away!
I asked some expat mums whom I know about any ideas they could share with me to help both my children and my loved ones retain as close a relationship as distance can allow. Their ideas spoke of both their desire to keep their children connected as much as possible to their extended family and of the mums’ ingenuity and creativity.
So here are their wonderful and moving ideas…
“When our kids were small we used videos. We made several each year, especially of events like special Christmas plays, etc. The grandparents would then make a video of them talking to the kids. Of course now people use Skype with a webcam.” And she adds, “One friend even had the grandparents at their son’s birthday party via Skype!” (from C Shipley) Wow!
L Vredevoogd shared the following: “We live here in Sofia. One thing that my kids do is they take piano lessons every week from their grandmother in Colorado, the US, over Skype. We put the laptop computer on top of the piano and they see her face over the screen. It provides a concrete way to connect and they’ve improved their piano skills! Because it is weekly, I think they have really felt much closer to Grandma than they otherwise would have.”
Scanning the pictures that the kids have drawn and e-mailing them to relatives, as well as e-mailing photos of the children at weekly intervals, was another idea given by the mums.
But modern technology, as good as it is, just doesn’t quite connect you to your loved ones in the same way as when you are across the room from them face to face, in the same time zone and breathing the same air. Because it is then that you can feel that human connection and can sense how time stands still, as your child does something as amazing as… just simply being himself! W Berry said, “We try to visit family regularly, which is sometimes impractical, but we do make it a priority. When possible, we also help family come visit us. We find it is a small investment in a life-time relationship.”
Living abroad, of course, has its advantages for my son and for his brother and sister. He can go to a kindergarten that is not overcrowded! I can see how his life is enriched by the simple fact that he lives in a foreign country and that his circle of friends are from such diverse cultural backgrounds. Being a third culture kid, ie, being a child that has spent a significant part of his developmental years outside his parents’ own culture, means that he can be a “tolerant cultural chameleon”, as one sociologist pointed out. And I certainly see evidence of this all the time. For example, he can speak two languages fluently, without batting an eye lid. And when he is speaking with his Bulgarian buddies, the accent thickens and all of a sudden he throws in a lot of “haide be! Ne taka be!” And then he can turn around to me the next moment and in his best English accent say, “Mummy can I have some juice please”. He is such a rounded little guy. The only problem, of course, is that I can’t so readily show him off to his Baba and Dyado!
There are some things that just cannot be easily shared... moments that can get lost in translation and in transmission – the impromptu hugs, the ruffling of his hair and the beam of his smile when he is praised, the snuggles we have while watching his favourite film. Actually it was during one such snuggling session that my son turned to me and said, “Mama, I love you as much as God.” Wow, I thought, simply wow! Of course there are several meanings I can deduce from this grand statement, but which ever one I choose, it still leaves me with a wow-factor feeling. These moments and more are just for me and him and I treasure them dearly, but there are other moments that I want to shout from the roof tops. And it is during these moments that technology really comes in handy, as illustrated earlier.
I guess this is just one of the prices one pays for living abroad with small children… that loss of not sharing them with extended family. But how long can I keep on paying? To be honest, I just don’t know…I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
