When someone experiences a loss – maybe a family member or friend dies, loss of a baby or miscarriage – often family, friends and acquaintances have the best intentions to say and do the right thing. Some common responses may be “I know how you feel”, “life goes on you’ll be OK”, “it was God’s will” or completely ignoring the person as a way of not saying the wrong thing and upsetting them further.

Very often the people who are grieving are equally hurt and confused by the so-called good intentions of those around them.

So what do people who are grieving need from those around them? It has been my experience working with people who are grieving that just being with the person who is suffering can be more comforting than trying to make the situation better. Sometimes listening and acknowledging feelings doesn’t mean that we say things like “I know how you feel”, as chances are we don’t, really. Be prepared to discuss issues that may be uncomfortable, like details of the funeral, the last conversations and regrets. This is all useful in the process of grief.

Other important things to remember include to avoid judging the person for the way they are grieving. Sometimes if usual routines are resumed too quickly, there can be the tendency to be critical, like thinking the person recovered from the loss too quickly. One form of grieving I that call “avoidance therapy” tends to work well initially, where the grieving person becomes very busy taking their mind off their loss. This can be functional initially, but the problem is in six- to 12-months’ time when, they are either exhausted or realise that they can’t keep running. This can be when hurtful comments occur, like “you should be over it by now”.

One of the most useful things that anyone can do for someone who is grieving is to take care of the day-to-day tasks. Offering practical help like mowing the lawn, cleaning the house or caring for children is an amazing form of support.

One important thing to remember is that grieving people need support in feeling their pain for the healing process to occur. It is often talking that helps. Grieving people experience a range of emotions including anger, guilt and depression. We may hear them say: “If only I had been there when the accident happened, I could have done something” or “it’s not fair. Why did this have to happen to me?”

Useful responses might be: “It’s normal to feel like you could have done more to avoid the accident” and “sometimes it is difficult to understand why terrible things happen; the reasons never seem good enough”.

All of us experience grief and loss. It is a normal part of life. We all react in different ways and no loss can be compared to another. The one important thing to remember is that through loss, we grieve for a future that is lost. No matter what we do we can’t get that future back. As a caring bystander, if we are there to listen carefully, offer practical support and try to acknowledge the feelings and concerns of the grieving person, then we are doing the best we can.

International Consolidated Therapies acknowledges that many foreigners will experience grief and loss issues while living abroad due to being away from family and friends.

This regular column is aimed at providing useful information to its readers on strategies to develop positive emotions, build enhancing relationships and develop a sense of self while living abroad.

Information provided is general and shouldn’t be considered a replacement for counselling. Should you wish to discuss further any concern please contact: International Consolidated Therapies, specialists in corporate and personal counselling, Kambanite Complex Sofia; tel: +359 (0) 88/ 766 09 15; e-mail: ictcounselling@hotmail.com