Somewhere in Bulgaria’s Interior Ministry there is an egghead who thinks up peculiar ideas to keep police on the straight and narrow.

Some time ago, it was to allow them to be in possession of no more than 10 leva in cash at any given time. Anyone found with more than that would be under suspicion of informal augmentation of income.

The latest brainwave is to require Bulgaria’s police to empty their pockets for inspection when about to go on duty, and to do the same when knocking off, presumably to check just what it is they may have been knocking off.

As it is, a Bulgarian policeperson’s lot is not a happy one. When they protested, ahem, spontaneously gathered to smoke and drink mineral water, respectively, because the law does not allow them to protest, it emerged that some were paying out of their own pockets for fuel for their patrol cars. Then we learnt that they do not have sharp-point bullets but only the rubber variety. Reports had it that their bullet-proof jackets were not truly workable.

We may fully expect to hear that there is a shortage of split peas or twirly metal things to make their whistles whistle. Perhaps they just have to purse their lips and blow.

In a village this past weekend, I saw the constabulary on duty in an aged Lada; the only thing it appeared capable of doing at high speed was to rust.

I have read that Bulgaria has the highest per capita of police per population anywhere in Europe, which may be an aggravating factor that there is not enough in the way of bullets, fuel, bullet-proof jackets and bribes, sorry, salaries to go around.

Some time ago, there was a scheme to teach Bulgaria’s police to speak English; perhaps it was part of a vision of transforming them into an Enid Blyton version of British police; unarmed, English-speaking and when the fuel runs out, patrolling on bicycles. However, if you asked the time, and they consulted a Rolex, suspicion would linger…

Come to think of it, have you in this country ever seen a laughing policeman? Perhaps when a sleek luxury car is pulling away, very soon indeed after having being stopped, with no evidence of a fine having been written out?

The Sofia Echo has reported about that fellow who keeps on refusing bribes, and about the whole squad that was arrested for their incomplete but privately profitable method of dealing with traffic offences.

Yet the Interior Ministry wants to audit the lining of police pockets; I fully expect that the next move will be to issue uniforms that do not have pockets at all, and then caps that have no linings.

Of course, I would humbly suggest keeping an eye on them during shifts, rather than at the beginning and end, and sending offenders to jail for a long, long time; but surely that’s a scheme that is hardly clever at all.