One who watched part of the televised rehearsals of Eurovision 2009 in Moscow remarked that the Russian capital should in fact become the permanent venue for the contest, because it was a perfect nexus of latter-day European kitsch and nouveau Russian kitsch.
 
The semi-finals on May 12 took the strange spectacle – perhaps by now a redundant term when it comes to anything to do with Eurovision – one step further.
 
First, a step back. It is not clear, to me at least, what Eurovision is about. My experience is not comprehensive; some passing exposure in the early 1970s, and now again by happenstance watching Bulgarian live broadcasts for the past three years, but that should be enough to establish whether what is being sought is a great song, a good song, a memorable song, a European song, or a song-and-dance routine (Viz Ruslana, Wild Dances), or simply a gimmick with a soundtrack (see again, various Ukrainian and other entries).
 
But hold! This year’s Eurovision became something that it hardly was before. Ukraine’s Ruslana may have had a walk-on (strut-on?) part in the Orange Revolution, but there was something startlingly assertive about the Russian triumphalism and militarism evident on the lineal descendant of the stage that once had deluged us with the treacle of Abba, Save Your Kisses for Me and suchlike saccharine.
 
There was the portrayal of Russian triumphs: hockey, football, Miss World. I was surprised they left out the January 2009 natural gas cutoffs. It was the Putin-era nationalism on stage, with strobe lights and whirling cameras. And speaking of the stage, it seems that in Moscow – more so when there is a self-consciousness about the images being relayed to the Eurovision-watching couch-bound decadent rest of Europe – no spectacle can be complete without stern drummer boys in Red Army parade dress.
 
This was the contest from which the Georgian song We Don’t Wanna Put In was barred, but the mild parody contracted in that song would hardly have measured up to a squeak against the rolling armory of Red Square in Sequins and Step-Out Dress.
 
With the changed voting rules, there is supposed to be lesser risk of warped voting patterns such as the purported Slavic Solidarity. (If it bears repeating, there was scant evidence of said Slavic Solidarity this past January; just to underline that for those who have electric heating or live in the southern hemisphere, for instance.)
 
So Krassimir Avramov and his Illusion were shattered in Moscow and sent home, probably sparing Bulgaria further embarrassment on several levels, and perhaps – or perhaps not, given the lack of value of musical or aesthetic considerations at Eurovision – confirming the validity of the strident protests of those Bulgarians who took to the streets against the selection of Avramov for the mission to Moscow.
 
History always reminds us of the ignominy visited on the hubris-seized armies of Napoleon’s France and Hitler’s Germany when they presumed to take on Russia, and were routed by General Winter. And clearly, no opportunity can pass for Russia to assert its ability to conquer all before it, from hockey to Miss World to Eurovision. Stand by for the 1812 Overture Remix.
 
* For the record, on May 12 the entrants that qualified for this set of semi-finals were: Turkey: Hadise - Düm Tek Tek, Sweden: Malena Ernman - La Voix, Israel: Noa & Mira Awad - There Must Be Another Way, Portugal: Flor-De-Lis - Todas As Ruas Do Amor, Malta: Chiara - What If We, Finland: Waldo's People - Lose Control, Bosnia and Herzegovina: Regina - Bistra Voda, Romania: Elena - The Balkan Girls, Armenië: Inga & Anush - Jan Jan and Iceland: Yohanna - Is It True? On May 14, 19 other countries compete in the second semi-final.