The Home Office has released the names of people banned from coming into Britain. So here are the names of 10 'famous' British people I'd like to see thrown OUT of Britain.

1. Joey Barton
Just when you think British footballers have reached new depths this nasty little psycho licks the bottom of the toilet. He attacked fellow footballer Ousmane Dabo so badly that Dabo sustained a suspected detached retina. He's also been jailed for kicking an innocent nightclub reveller senseless. He's committed so many fouls on the pitch he's starting to make Vinnie Jones look angelic. So I'd like to retaliate in kind and see his ugly backside kicked over the English Channel. Sadly, instead, another British club will probably sign him on and pay for him to undertake anger management lessons. They won't work. Barton is the epitome of everything I detest about Britain.

2. Jeffrey Archer
I once had the misfortune to meet this greedy, rodent-faced former deputy chairman of the Conservative Party. I found him to be the most hostile, obnoxious and unpleasant public figure I've ever met. A bully and serial liar, his friends keep praising him for his ability to "rise up" from the dead and reinvent himself. Or put another way he has no conscience, so it never occurs to him he did anything wrong in the first place. How much self-inflicted ignominy does a human being have to endure before he does the gentlemanly thing and disappears from view? If he were hung, drawn and quartered he's the kind of guy who'd write a book about it from the 'other side'.  The Labour party should resurrect him whenever there's an election with the slogan: "Just when you thought it was safe to vote Conservative..."

3. Jacqui Smith
Each Labour home secretary grows progressively more mediocre. Since Labour came to power we've had Jack Straw, David Blunkett, Charles Clarke and Dr John Reid. Now we have 'Smifie' who would be over-promoted if she were appointed school prefect. She has now made so catastrophic blunders that I can't list them all here. Nothing, however, surpasses the current debacle. Why on earth should right wing US radio host Michael Savage be banned from the UK? Her decision simply defies all logic. If I branded her a mediocrity it would be an insult to other mediocrities.

4. Jonathan Ross
Need I say more? Ok, I will. This arrogant, conceited, condescending, self-absorbed, over-fat and overpaid monument to bad taste should be despatched forthwith. And Russell Brand should be inserted in the pocket of one of those ridiculous suits he wears. The fact that British taxpayers pay his six million pounds a year fee is an almost unbearable insult to injury. A sickening example of how low the BBC has sunk.

5. Frank Skinner
A dismally unfunny supposed 'comedian', Skinner has never made me laugh once. But he has made me reach for the bucket. His autobiography was the saddest book I've ever read, full of trendy deprecation of intellectual achievement, wearisome and revolting inverted snobbery and boring tales of sexual frustration and drunkenness. In other words, a sad testimony to the state of modern Britain. Needless to say, The Times has now given him his own column. What happened to this once great newspaper?

6. George Galloway
This rabblerouser is now a venerated icon to far-left Israel-hating red fascists. To the uninitiated this now means - naturally - that he's pro-Islamic extremism and pro-Hamas. Perhaps it was a natural progression from being Saddam Hussein's only real defender in the UK parliament. In any case the so called former MP for Baghdad North is a professional egomaniac who looks like he could well become a kind of Oswald Mosley figure. I so admire John Malkovich's prescience by naming him as a person he'd most like to shoot, back in 2002!!

7. Amy Winehouse
This would fall under the cruel to be kind or 'tough love' section. She's a great talent but she needs to get herself sorted. Some time in the wilderness will do her good. Her expulsion could be revoked if and when she sobers up.

8. Danielle Lloyd
Not only is this supposed beauty incredibly ignorant (When asked "Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, US President, the PM or King?", Lloyd answered, "Wasn't he the first black president of America?) she's also plain nasty. She once told Shilpa Getty to "f... off home" on Celebrity Big Brother. So I'd like to reply in kind and send her packing permanently. I see she undertook a recent trip to America in a bid to attain stardom over there. I think that the vacuous nature of Los Angeles would suit her. Please don't come back.

9. David Irving
A nasty piece of work who has seemingly dedicated most of his life to anti-semitism. Even far-right circles have disassociated themselves from him. Irving is first and foremost a Hitler-lover, motivated not by love of his country or even concern for its demise but hatred pure and simple.

10. David Icke
This ridiculous figure deserves a nod for entertaining us with his ludicrous conspiracy theories but he's now gone just ever so slightly over the top with his proclamation that we are ruled by a battalion of shape-changing lizards. I suspect that Icke merely got tired of being a sports pundit and wondered how he could make a name for himself and earn some more money. I suspect also that he's having a secret laugh at our gullibility and stupidity in buying his books. So he deserves expulsion for his mickey-taking alone.