"Politics is not about personalities." This, at least, is the oft-quoted dictum of former left-wing Labour MP Tony Benn. Of course it shouldn't be, but at a time when so little separates the political parties, personalities inevitably become more conspicuous. And in case any of you suffer the delusion that there is a genuine ideological divide between the parties, then I challenge you to come up with any major differences on the market economy, crime, the EU, social issues, indeed the whole gamut of policy.

When the parties become interchangeable we focus on the personalities, even more so when they're so manifestly inadequate. Our home secretary is a lady called Jacqui Smith, Smith being a particularly apt name for this nondescript holder of such a supposedly illustrious office. Just think of some of her forebears: William Whitelaw, Roy Jenkins, Douglas Hurd, James Callaghan. Irrespective of their political views, these were people of calibre and gravitas. But, sadly, most of today's British politicians are political pygmies compared to their predecessors from, say, 30 years ago. Flashback to Edward Heath, Margaret Thatcher, Peter Shore, Denis Healey, Enoch Powell, Michael Foot, Lord Carrington, Keith Joseph. Do we seriously believe today's bunch is even in the same league?

Take London's mayor - Ken Livingstone: appeaser of extremist Islamic fanatics, a man who compared a Jewish reporter to a Nazi concentration camp guard, erstwhile IRA supporter, friend to Hugo Chavez - the Venezuelan fascist/Marxist despot who, in turn, believes that dictator Fidel Castro, the president of poverty-stricken banana republic Cuba, is one of the 20th century's greatest leaders. Livingstone's opponent is Boris "buffoon" Johnson, a man who transcends all caricature possibly because he is one himself. Whether Johnson's clownish persona is contrived or not, it's difficult to see Johnson as the representative of such a supposedly great city as London.

In other recent breaking news, John Prescott has admitted to being "bulimic". Excuse me while I throw up. Prescott was elevated way beyond his capabilities to the job of deputy prime minister. This man's credentials are incredible - a serial womaniser with wandering hand-trouble who threw a punch at an egg-throwing protestor during the 2001 election campaign. His appointment was merely a sop to the old left in a bid to present a supposedly "balanced ticket". Now this class-obsessed "socialist", whose private extravagance belies his political convictions, claims to suffer from an eating disorder. Coincidentally his autobiography is about to appear in shops, so perhaps he intended to give it a plug. Yes, he does indeed suffer from an eating disorder - it's called "greed", so the book's title should be "greedy-guts". Seriously, if this idiot is going to make a confession, why doesn't he admit that his serial groping could have contributed to the decline and fall of several prominent female politicians?

Gordon Brown, the UK prime minister, is a capable fellow, but the last person in the world to be prime minister. The reason? Purely and simply, he dislikes people, not necessarily a heinous crime in itself, but a slight handicap for a prime minister. Incredibly, several Labour MP's have never even had a conversation with Brown, even though they have occupied the same chamber of the house of commons for more than 20 years. A prime minister who doesn't cultivate people will always end up a loser; the last similar personality being Sir Edward Heath, a principled but very curmudgeonly gentleman who alienated even his own supporters. So don't watch opinion polls. The most pertinent comments come from one's own side. Your enemies sit behind you in the house of commons, not opposite you. Brown now has many enemies on his own side, some of whom have been struck by mobile phones and other objects.

I'm off to London next week. I better duck if I bump into the PM…