A YOUNG mother recently asked me if her guilt-ridden conscience was justified in its condemnation of a weekend away while the kids stayed at home with a babysitter.  I tucked away a smile and reassured her that, in my opinion, a couple of nights away would cause no long-lasting harm to the hearts and minds of her little cherubs.   In truth, even as I uttered the reassurance, I breathed a heartfelt prayer that the advice I offered was correct.  This conversation hit home for me personally since the last couple of months have brought temporary yet tear-filled separations for our family.  As in most things, balance and good sense can serve as reliable guides for how much time we should spend away from our family.

Over the last couple of months, I have observed the anxieties that accompany short-term absences of one or both parents.  It has been reassuring to note that many practical pieces of advice offered by the experts really do seem to work.  There are some healthy and helpful steps that aide that transitional "goodbye" which usually leaves your ears ringing, your shirt tearstained, and your heart bleeding in the doorway.

One of the best tools at your disposal is simply communication.  A few days before departure, begin to talk about the upcoming separation.  Explain in age-appropriate language where and why you are going and for how long.  It may be appropriate to discuss with older children how often you will contact them and how that contact will be made.  If options are available, allow them to choose the mode of contact - perhaps they would find a daily email more comforting than a phone call.  If you will be someplace where frequent contact is unpredictable or impossible, think about writing a personal note or two before your trip and ask the babysitter to hand deliver the mail. 

Children generally find it comforting to know the length of the separation.  A calendar can be a visibly reassuring asset as each passing day is documented.  For younger children, a calendar with pictures in lieu of words will be great.  Consider crafting the piece of art together as you discuss your trip.

Transition is often the most troubling aspect of a parent's departure especially for younger children.  The best babysitter is a trustworthy person that the children know and someone that is familiar with your family routine and system of rules.  On one of our recent trips, we left a trio of twenty-something young adults in charge of our troupe.  These friends are frequently in our home and therefore very familiar with the nuances and feel of our family.  Upon our return, we found four happy children, a clean house, and three exhausted caregivers. 

Do not be worried if smaller children revert to younger behaviour for a period of time.  They may wake in the night, want to go back to a bottle, or even begin wetting the bed.  This is normal and should clear up soon after your return.  Even more disconcerting, is to be met by a pout in place of the hug and kiss you are expecting as you walk off the plane.  Some children may feel angry over your absence.  This was the case with our four-year-old who met her father at the airport with haughty eyes and a stubborn tilt to her head.  She refused to hug or talk to her dad, in her own way exacting punishment for his misdeeds.  The sentence lasted a period of a few hours when pouts gave way to giggles; of course the stuffed animal may have played a part as well in her softening demeanor.

Be specific with expectations.  Tell your kids what kind of behaviour you expect while you are gone.  Leave detailed instructions with the babysitter regarding schedule, rules of the house, and the consequences of misbehaviour.  Pre-plan a family activity that will happen upon your return.  Include the kids at the early stages of planning so that they have something to anticipate.  Be careful not to equate participation in this celebration with their behaviour in your absence.  Rewards for good behaviour are appropriate but kids should also be assured that their behaviour does not endanger your time together as a family. 

Leaving all the proper documents, emergency phone numbers, and lists of people to contact for advice is an obvious step but worth mentioning anyway.  Prepare a folder with all of the documentation safely tucked within and leave it in an accessible place.  Though not pleasant, it is wise to leave a signed statement that transfers authority for medical decisions in your absence. 

If your children are school-aged, make sure that you include the teacher in the communication loop.  Knowing of your absence can help them to understand uncharacteristic behaviour and `read' circumstances differently.

In families with more than one child, making an older child feel that you have entrusted them with responsibility in your absence can be especially helpful. Feeling empowered to act as the `junior babysitter' or the caregiver's aide can serve to give them the role of the `go to' person.  An appropriate level of responsibility is a great character builder.

My personal thanks to colleague and psychologist, Mena McCabe, who researched this topic for me and incidentally, was part of the exhausted trio mentioned earlier.

As you are preparing to depart don't forget about that family activity upon your return.  Here are some ideas to get you thinking:

1. Cuddle on the couch with popcorn and a movie
2. Gather around the dinner table playing a board game
3. Take the family bowling
4. Dine out at the family's favourite restaurant
5. Hike up Vitosha
6. Slip away to Veliko Turnovo or Plovdiv and experience history together
7. Visit a museum in Sofia
8. Make a craft project together
9. Cook a tempting dessert together and then enjoy it
10. Go to a movie together