Moving with children: adoloscents

Second in a three-part series about moving with children

TALK to any mother of an adolescent about to relocate and wait for the moaning. The mum moans because she dreads plucking the kid out of an established school and social network. The kid moans because his whole identity as class clown, star athlete or emerging hunk is now in jeopardy.

For all interested parties, this age group seems to be one of the most challenging when it comes to moving. Child development experts say it is not the move itself but, instead, all the developmental changes simultaneously affecting the child. According to KinderStart.com: "Moves interrupt friendships. To a new child at school, it may at first seem that everyone else has a best friend or is securely involved with a group of peers.

"The child must get used to a different schedule and curriculum, and may be ahead in certain subjects and behind in others. This situation may make the child stressed, anxious or bored."

Local mum Bonnie Phillips agrees. "My kids are like most kids I know and what they want most is to feel accepted and to feel that they have good friends and plenty of them. Social experiences are more important to them than academic ones, even though they seem to enjoy all aspects of school.

"I try very hard at the start of a new school year to be sure that they have the chance to invite the kids in their class over to the house for some non-school time so they can form those all-important bonds. I don't need to do anything more than get them all into the same room; they are perfectly capable of doing the rest themselves."

Parents should be immediately involved in paving the way for a smooth transition even if it is a personal challenge, said Phillips. "I am not by nature the kind of person who feels comfortable calling people I don't know, but that is the kind of life we lead, and the kids need it, so I just do it anyway.

"It never turns out to be nearly as difficult as I fear it will be. When the kids feel they have good friends, and that one very best friend, I find that everything else about school will just fall together for them naturally. When they feel left out, or if they haven't yet formed those strong social relationships, everything else suffers equally."

The best advice seems to be: put them to work! Beverly Roman, author of Home Away From Home: Turning Your International Relocation into a Lifetime Enhancement, writes: "Children will worry less about a move, and be more excited about a new city, if they are involved in the process." She lists several activity suggestions in her workbook and I've added a few additional tips from the trenches:

Plan their new bedrooms (paint, decorating and new furniture go a long way to making young kids feel they have some control over their new environment)

Learn about the new country with parents (plot out travel stops and an itinerary on a map; research new local holiday destinations, give them something to look forward to)

Make an email pen pal (through www.expatexchange.com)

Make lists of items and games they want to take along (do not underestimate these items; they are the equivalent of a younger child's security blanket!)

When the thought of a move starts your family moaning, remember it is an exciting time filled with ups and downs. The class clown has a chance to reinvent himself as the class scholar and the mum might just find some new friends herself while playing matchmaker. No matter what the age, give everyone an extra dose of patience. Every family member deserves special handling when it comes to relocating.



Additional Resources:



www.kinderstart.com - A parental resource website with the title "because kids don't come with instructions."



www.aacap.org - American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry website. Facts for Families #14 Children and Family Moves.



Home Away From Home: Turning Your International Relocation Into A Lifetime Enhancement by Beverly Roman; family workbook by the same author who publishes Let's Move Overseas, a children's workbook for international relocation.



When Abroad Do As The Local Children Do: Ori's Guide for Young Expats by Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich and Bettina Kaltenhauser; written for children 6 to 12 years old from the perspective of a migratory bird. A recent review by Kay Branaman Eakin, president of the Foreign Service Youth Foundation (www.fsyf.org) says, "The book is charming, presents an opportunity for children to draw pictures, write entries, cut and paste icons, and help plan their moves. With many handy websites, it is truly aimed at the international child of the 21st Century. The section on ways to stay in touch, for example, includes e-mail, chat online, install a web cam, send digital photos and more!" There is a companion web site at www.Ori-and-Ricki.net.



Forthcoming:

Moving with children: teens