THERE is a common expat expression, "Bloom where you are planted." It encourages us to quickly adjust to new surroundings, dig roots and thrive. But what about our children? Moving is a decidedly adult function and sometimes kids get lost in the transplantation process.

There seem to be two camps when it comes to relocating children: the troopers and the special operations group. Some families feel that children are naturally resilient and the pressures associated with international moving add character and ensure lifelong flexibility. Those children become troopers, constantly rising to the challenge but also secretly harbouring real fear about new environments.

Other families spend their time adjusting themselves to the needs of the relocated child. This is the special operations group. The child's individual needs are leading the entire families' adjustment, making the child feel secure but perhaps at the entire families' expense.

This series will address the particular pros and cons of moving children of varying age groups. Each group presents different problems as children grow to different developmental levels. So strap on your seatbelt and make sure your tray is in the upright locked position, we are moving out!

Have you ever noticed that once you finally understand where your child is developmentally, he turns around and jumps to the next level? They always seem to be one step ahead of us and that can be rewarding and frustrating all at the same time.

In the summer of 2001 my son was turning two years old. We were a few months shy of the "terrible twos" and he seemed confident in his abilities. He was accustomed to his daddy travelling overseas once a month and their reunions were delicious.

I thought our move to Sofia would be smooth, apart from the usual moving with children headaches of finding a good paediatrician and soy meal formula. After ten days in our new home, my husband was preparing for his first business trip and I was unpacking boxes. My toddler son seemed to enjoy the change of environment and played endlessly in his new backyard. Then all hell broke loose.

On the first overnight of my husband's trip, I was woken at 2 am by screaming. "Why did daddy leave me? When is he coming back? Where is he?" I couldn't believe it. Where was this coming from? He seemed used to daddy's travel but now it all took on new meaning in a new country, a new house and a new developmental stage of childhood.

"People are the most important source of stability for young children" says Melissa Hess and Patricia Linderman, authors of The Expert Expatriate. "During a move, they 'lose' everybody they know outside the nuclear family. This is bound to be stressful." Yes, much more stressful than I imagined.

Hoss and Linderman say that "for the first eight months of life, an infant will hardly notice a move at all. The burden will all fall on you, as you lug a mountain of baby supplies and equipment through airports and try to juggle interrupted naps and feeding times."

It is the new freedoms toddlers absorb which start to challenge parents. Along with walking and talking, "new fears set in at this time: about strangers, about losing you and about new things in general."

Their advice is to concentrate on four aspects of "home" to make toddlers feel secure:

l People. Spend extra time with them before, during, and right after a move. Try to avoid unusual separations, such as travelling without them or starting work if you have not worked before. Start the search for caregivers immediately. The sooner you identify appropriate caregivers, the better, so your children have the maximum time possible to become accustomed to the situation.

l Routines. Try to stay close to their regular schedules (meals and naps) while travelling and immediately try to re-establish those routines in the new home.

l Objects. Choose a few strategic objects from everyday life to carry with you. Look for a high level of "comfort value." Besides the obvious stuffed animals and toys, consider the following: familiar bath toys, a night light and photos of special people.

l Concepts. They seem obvious, but can be a great ally in helping children feel comfortable. Show them where things "go" in the new home. Examples: Where do different things belong in the house: toothbrushes, towels, biscuits? Where does the rubbish go? Where do people sit, eat, sleep and play? Very rapidly they will feel they "know the place."



My son just turned four. He sleeps soundly through the night and no longer asks "When is daddy coming home?" but rather, "What will he bring me?" Yes, they are always one step ahead of us.





Additional Resources:



www.cyh.com/cyh/parentopics

The government of South Australia's tips for travelling with children (by plane, train or automobile).



www.expatguide.info

Website for the book, The Expert Expatriate: Your Guide to Successful Relocation Abroad by Melissa Hess and Patricia Linderman



http://www.expatexpert.com/going_abroad/newbaby.html

An article titled, "Moving Abroad with a New Baby" by Canadian author, Robin Pascoe.





Forthcoming:

Moving with Children: adolescents

Moving with Children: teens