SOME time last month I decided it was finally time to replace my computer. After three years, two continents, and countless hours of use, the old guy was starting to lag behind the times.

I found the decision oddly sad - mostly because this was my first real computer and now the time had come to say goodbye. Still, he lived more than most computers. He made the journey to Bulgaria with me, suffering a wounded motherboard on the way. He worked in a foreign land, networked with foreign computers (consequently suffering from foreign viruses) and lived to tell the tale.

And now he's being retired. Retired, of course, means being sent to live with my mother, destined to spend his twilight years scouring the internet for new and interesting recipes.

But enough about him, on to my new computer. In this day and age, I find few purchases as daunting as that of a new PC. With the sheer number and complexity of the components making up home systems these days, I'm in way over my head. Fortunately, I was able to recruit my secret weapon - a good friend who works in tech support. Sure, I could feel bad for imposing on him to help me navigate my way around a computer store, but the next time he's looking for a new job, I know who will be proofreading his cover letter. It's a give-and-take relationship.

I'm happy to report that after an extensive day of shopping around, standing silently by while my friend asked the tough questions and found a good system, I was the owner of a brand new computer. I'm proud to say I learned a lot in the process. I'm less proud to say I've already forgotten most of it.

I am consoled, however, by the sheer amount of information I have accumulated over time about how to USE a computer. I may not ever, ever, EVER be able to assemble the things - but once someone does that for me, I'm good to go. The same cannot be said for a large segment of the population. This is why we have tech support.

This is also why we now have web sites, created largely by and for the tech support community, to trade stories about the poor incompetent souls who phone them because they are unable to boot up a computer that they haven't even plugged in yet. Have a look at www.rinkworks.com/stupid/ to see what I mean. Dubbed "Computer Stupidities" and broken down into categories such as Systems, Hardware, Networks and Tech Support, you'll find real transcripts of real conversations between tech support people and the customers who challenge their will to live.

Here's one of the calls they deal with on a nightly basis:

Customer: "My internet doesn't work!"

Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for internet on your desktop?"

Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"

Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"

Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"

Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."

Customer: "What is 'shift'??"

It only gets more depressing from there. Take, for example, an enterprising young man who was unable to remove a floppy disk from its drive. How did he overcome this obstacle: a) by pressing the disk eject button; b) by calling tech support for assistance; c) by melting a stick of butter, using a turkey baster to squeeze the liquid into the disk drive, and then using a pair of pliers to drench the lubricated disk free. I'll let you figure out the answer to that one.

A few moments on this site and the most computer illiterate among you will feel like programmers. It's really amazing how little some people know about computers, and how frustrated they are when they can't work them. Check out www.unixgirl.com/humor/ cars.html to see a nice little analogy.

Titled "What if people bought cars like they bought computers?" the conversations on the site go something like this:

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your car sucks!"

Helpline: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

Helpline: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't start!"

Helpline: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

Sort of puts the situation into perspective. Instead of constantly complaining, we should learn a little more about computers before we get in over our heads. And then, when we realise how much work that would take, we should all call our more knowledgeable friends to bail us out. Works for me.