It dawned on me recently that while I've written 40 Net Prophets to date, not one has focused on the most pursued topic on the internet: Sex.

Given that almost every single web search these days returns at least one mention - or one annoying pop up ad - on the subject, I was initially at a loss as to why I hadn't explored sex (so to speak) sooner. Then I remembered. The topic is a virtual landmine.

Among the obstacles: convincing my editor-in-chief that people are having trouble finding sex sites on their own; promoting sites that won't forever label me as that weird guy with a little too much time on his hands; speaking of such things without forever alienating the paper's readership; and, perhaps the biggest impediment, retaining my focus long enough to actually complete an entire column on the matter.

Let's hope I can overcome at least three of the above.

In the interest of time, space, and good taste, we'll ignore 99 per cent of the content usually returned if one were to simply type the word Sex into a search engine (no doubt after being connected to the internet for the very first time). For starters, www.geocities.com/ Heartland/Plains/6271/inter005.html presents a fun little challenge. Entitled Web that Smut, the objective of the game described is to start at a perfectly innocent page on the web, and then see how many clicks of the mouse it takes you to stumble your way upon a graphic image of, you guessed it, smut. The challenge is to compete against a friend (or bored co-worker), starting on the same page and seeing who can achieve this noble goal in fewer mouse clicks. I gave the game a shot, starting from the lovely, yet informative homepage of The Sofia Echo. It took me about 10 clicks, and the smut I found could barely be categorised as 'graphic.' I was pretty disappointed in myself - Net Prophet, indeed.

Adhering to the philosophy that alcohol makes everything better, the site also recommends turning the competition into a drinking game, even though the creators' attempts to do so were a dismal failure. This was in no small part due to the fact that the rule maker had to comprise the rules while drunk. Never a good idea.

Now that you're a little more in the mood, feel free to head on over to www.namethatsextoy.com to find out just how up to date you are on recent breakthroughs in the sex toy industry. The site, which advertises itself as "the internet game that tests your knowledge of all things freaky", has four difficulty levels: easy, medium, advanced, and, for the seasoned pros, superfreak. What follows is a series of photos of some very, um, interesting products, requiring you to pick the proper name of the item pictured. Sounds easy enough, right? One would think so, especially starting off in the "easy" section. But is that white plastic object you're looking at the Classic Chic Vibrator, the Ivory Ecstasy Dildo, or is it the Great White North Massager? And that bizarre object shaped like a tongue? Could it be the Licking Lizard, The Tongue II (apparently sex toys have sequels), or The Lickmaster? Fortunately, the site also prides itself on being an educator, so, if you guess wrong, expect an explanation of the fascinating differences between such things as vibrators and dildos. It's all about the learning, people.

For the health conscious, http://members.iweb.net.au/~jspry/passiton.html has gone to the trouble of charting how many calories one can expect to lose during sex, and which positions do the job best. Some of the most common pratfalls will actually help in this regard. Worried about carpet burn? Fear not; six calories are lost in the process. Whiplash? Twenty-seven calories right there. Locations make a difference too. Using a bar stool works off 20 calories, while the back of a Honda Civic is good for 38. On an airplane? You're looking at 24 calories in an aisle seat, but a healthy 100 in the lavatory.

Finally, if you're curious as to what your sexual life has in store for you, check out http://test3.thespark.com/sextest/, for a glance into your sexual future. Answering such probing questions as: Do you prefer partners who are older or younger than you?; How do you feel about pornographic films?; and (sadly) Are you a Star Trek fan?, your naughty future will be laid bare before you.

I'd tell you how I performed, but then I'd probably become that weird guy I mentioned above, successfully alienate our readers, and receive a stern, but concerned, talking to from my editor-in-chief. This time, at least, abstinence is in order.

- dyasvinski@look.ca